self-discovery

It is a long process 'till you know who you wanna be in your life. Life means so much. It’s very complicated to express this, because I haven’t the words which can explain it the best. I just start writing my story. I always wanted to be someone special, someone who's not like the other, but also very present in the other people's live. And I always think too much. It's easy to imagine those things in my head. But in reallife, I’m this little, naive girl. I don’t wanna be like that anymore. I wanna change myself, and turn into the 'How I wanna be'. Why's that just so hard? I am having the wrong people around me, the right ones are at someplace, that ,unhappily, i don't know. These days, everybody is so busy with themselves and I know that, but I need 'good' people around me. People who remind me of which person I am going to be. I feel like I’m stuck in a trap. Something is missing and because of that, everything goes wrong. I know that I’m a bit confused but, I need that right now. I will achieve my aims, and I know that I only get them, if I study and learn a lot. But I need a balance between the study-thing and the private self-development-creativity-thing. I want to do things which I have done before. Like reading in fashion magazines, making photographs, writing poems and listening to music. I haven’t done such things for a long time. I always think about what  might happen if I fail something, I can’t sleep anymore because of my anxiety. It’s horrible. I must find a way to combine it. And I think, writing about it, may be a big step ahead.  

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This is my first post in english language, and i'm sorry for spelling and grammar mistakes! Recently, I tried to improve my writing skills for my final exams. Because I have received bad marks! So I thought maybe someone, can give me spelling-advices! I already thank you in advance for your help!